Confidence Is a Terrible Goal (And What to Focus on Instead)
If you’re waiting to feel confident before you put yourself out there – before you audition, pitch, present, speak up, or sell your work– you might be waiting forever.
I don’t say that to be discouraging. I say it because I’ve spent decades inside high-pressure performance environments: as an actor, a teacher, and now a coach working with actors, executives, and entrepreneurs.
And here’s what I know to be true:
Confidence is a feeling. Competence is built.
And most people are chasing the feeling when what they actually need is skill, preparation, and reps.
Confidence vs. Competence: The Distinction That Changes Everything
I recently did a YouTube Live with my friend and executive coach Corena Chase, and we kept circling the same idea from different angles:
Almost always, what people think is a confidence problem is actually a competence problem.
Confidence feels internal and emotional. Competence is practical and actionable.
Confidence fluctuates based on mood, sleep, hormones, stress, rejection, comparison, and a thousand invisible variables. Competence grows through repetition, preparation, and lived experience.
When we confuse the two, we end up stuck.
We delay action because we’re waiting to feel ready– but readiness is something you build by doing the thing.
Why Chasing Confidence Backfires
Here’s what happens when confidence becomes the goal:
You monitor how you feel instead of focusing on the task
You interpret nerves as danger instead of information
You postpone visibility until you “feel better”
You make emotions the gatekeeper to action
And the irony is brutal:
The very experiences that would build real confidence are the ones you keep avoiding.
I see this all the time:
Actors waiting to feel confident before auditioning
Professionals waiting to feel confident before leading meetings
Entrepreneurs waiting to feel confident before selling or showing up online
Confidence doesn’t arrive first. It follows competence.
You Can Perform Well Without Feeling Confident
This is something actors learn early– often the hard way.
You can feel terrified internally and still deliver extraordinary work.
In fact, some of the most alive, grounded, compelling performances come from people who feel deeply exposed.
Why?
Because presence doesn’t require calm. It requires truth.
And it’s very hard to be present if you’re pretending to feel something you don’t.
One of the most damaging myths about confidence is that it means feeling good– relaxed, certain, unbothered.
That’s not what presence looks like.
Presence often looks like:
caring deeply
feeling vulnerable
being unsure
staying engaged anyway
That’s not weakness. That’s capacity.
Anxiety Isn’t the Enemy– It’s Data
One of the most useful reframes from my conversation with Corena was this: Anxiety is often a message, not a malfunction.
Instead of asking, “How do I make this go away?”
Try asking, “What is this telling me?”
Here’s a simple tool I use myself and with clients.
The “Nerves as Data” Check
When nerves show up before an audition, meeting, presentation, pitch, or difficult conversation, ask:
1. Do I need more reps?
Have I run this enough that it lives in my body, not just my head?
2. Do I need to prepare for more variables?
Questions, objections, interruptions, time pressure, tech issues, or curveballs?
3. Do I need a truer story?
Not hype or telling yourself, “I’ve got this.”
Something believable, like:
“I’m prepared, and I can handle what happens.”
Most anxiety isn’t telling you that you’re incapable.
It’s telling you where attention is needed.
Preparation Is Deeply Personal
Another important truth that came up in our conversation:
There is no universal preparation formula.
Some people under-prepare and hope confidence will carry them.
Others over-prepare until the work becomes rigid and lifeless.
The goal is finding the right amount of preparation for you.
That requires self-knowledge:
How many reps you actually need
Where your confidence genuinely comes from
What helps you stay flexible under pressure
For me, repetition is everything. I need lots of reps!
I’ve joked (not really) that I need to run something 250 times so it becomes muscle memory.
Not because I’m insecure– but because I want to feel free and have fun, and I can’t do that if I’m worried about remembering my lines.
Confidence Is a Result, Not a Requirement
Here’s the most important thing to say plainly:
You do not need to wait for confidence to do meaningful, excellent work.
People perform at high levels every day while:
doubting themselves
feeling nervous
questioning their choices
wondering if they belong
It’s not confidence that’s carrying them through the hard thing. It’s clarity.
Clarity about:
what they’re doing
why it matters
who they’re serving
and what they’re committed to
Confidence may show up later, or it may not!
Either way, you’re allowed to move forward, even if it feels uncomfortable, scary, or messy. In fact, if you’re feeling any of those things, you’re probably doing really good work.
Reflection vs. Self-Punishment
There’s an important distinction that came up in myv conversation with Corena Chase – and it matters for growth:
Reflection makes you better. Punishment makes you smaller.
Reflection sounds like:
“That moment was tricky. I might try something different next time.”
Punishment sounds like:
“I always mess this up. I shouldn’t be doing this.”
One leads to skill development, and the other erodes trust in yourself.
Growth does not require cruelty.
Confidence Is Overrated, but Capacity Isn’t
I’m not anti-confidence. It’s wonderful when it shows up.
But it’s not reliable enough to build your life or career around.
If you build skill…
If you take reps…
If you prepare honestly…
If you tell yourself stories you actually believe…
Confidence has a funny way of showing up on its own.
And when it doesn’t?
You’ll still be able to do the work.
If you want to watch my full conversation with Corena Chase — where we go deeper into confidence vs. competence, preparation, presence, and why this matters so much right now — you can watch the YouTube Live here:
And if this reframed something for you and you want help applying it to your specific situation — auditions, self-tapes, presentations, meetings, or high-stakes conversations — that’s what my 15-minute strategy sessions are for.
It’s a short, focused conversation to get clarity on what would actually help you move forward right now.
Want to learn more about my cool friend, Corena Chase? Find out more about her here:
👉 Corena Chase
And remember, you don’t need to be fearless. You just need to be willing to practice.
